Social Anxiety| Do You Struggle To Connect With Your Family?
This is a subject I have wanted to write about for a long time but in all honesty, have been scared to. I coach a lot of people that have social anxiety and struggle to connect with their family because of fear. This is a lot more common than people think with many people not being able to connect with their family. I spent years feeling afraid of my family because I didn’t know how to connect with them. It felt really stressful being around them especially having social anxiety. The only communication I could have would be very surfaced based which as you know does not hit the spot. Something I have learned about human connection is it has to be real and intimate otherwise, the magic doesn’t happen. You don’t feel love when you are not able to fully express and let yourself go without the fear of being judged. This is what gave me severe social anxiety around my family the fact I felt judged all the time. I would go through periods of just being silent around them and not saying anything other than hello that was it. This unconsciously really started to affect my self-esteem and cause a lot of depression. I ended up feeling to blame for the lack of connection I had with my family. However, they also played their part in this relationship as well. This is what a relationship is about two people surrendering to one another.
I later realized after many years that my family also had social anxiety which is why they didn’t know how to express their deeper emotions. This created a lot of negative energy in the house because people were not communicating authentically. This is not to say that we didn’t have some good days because we did. However, it was never consistent enough which is what caused not only me to feel unhappy but my whole family. This is a pattern I have observed with hundreds of students I have coached on my 6-week transformation program.
Another thing that takes place when people have social anxiety around their family is it spreads into all areas of your social life. This is what happened to me I become afraid of people especially attractive girls. I never at first realized that a lot if my fear with women and intimacy problems with things like erectile dysfunction came from my lack of connection with my family. It was only when I start to overcome my social anxiety and get success with women I started to join the dots together. It made complete sense to me, of course, you are going to be fearful building new relationships with people when you don’t have a good relationship with your family. I never trusted anyone growing up because I was taught I can’t even trust my family the people that I loved. This came about with living with an abusive dad who was violent and judgmental towards me. This put so much fear into me to the point of not being able to look people in the eye because of the fear of being harshly judged.
This truth was a bitter pill to swallow and one that I never thought I would talk about because for many reasons it made me feel deeply ashamed. I was brought up on Christian values one of which that my father taught me was to be loyal which I always admired. However, in all honesty, I felt betrayed by my own family and I never fully trusted them. This caused me a lot of pain, depression, paranoia, low self-esteem, confusion, negativity, and a violent life. I never wanted these things in my life it was not who I truly was. I was quite a happy outgoing young you man that was really loving towards my family, people, myself. Things really changed for me after my teens when my Dads abuse towards me got out of hand. In all honesty, I should have reported him to the police for childhood abuse but I didn’t want him to go to prison.
Evan though for years I kept quiet knowing the truth made me feel like a complete fraud. I never felt honest around my family or other people because I couldn’t fully be myself. This was social anxiety which back then I was too afraid and ashamed to admit I had it. I used a lot of escapism with things like sex, drugs, alcohol, nightclubs, sports, DVDs etc. All these things did not take my social anxiety, in fact, the made it come on even stronger. Like all addictions, they help you in the short haul but always leave you feeling empty. This emptiness I felt was a lack of connection with myself and other people. Psychologist Gabor Mate talks about this and explains when a child is experiencing trauma it’s because he has disconnected from who he truly is. I totally agree and my life experience with suffering from social anxiety and overcoming it tells me this is so. When people cannot connect with their family they will look to find and alternative way. This is why so many people turn to things like drugs, crime, alcohol, casual sex, paid sex, self-abuse, abusive relationships and so on. This is all part of trying to find love and connection in any way they can. You cannot escape the fact that human beings need love and affection and if they don’t get it they will react in inappropriate ways. This is not something I have read but I have personally lived. I have been on both sides the spectrum with the negative and the positive with living an addicted life to now living a clean positive life.
I always feel really arrogant and big headed when I talk about my success so please excuse me. I went from someone that had severe social anxiety and couldn’t even start a conversation with a woman to becoming globally recognised as one of the leading dating coaches in the world. I also had a lot of success with women, dating, relationships, and also successfully taught hundreds of men world wide how to meet women. This was all born out of my social anxiety and depression that started at home with my family. Most of my anxieties came from being around my Dad who was very unpredictable. He had serious anger issues and would often hit me for no justifiable reason. This also consisted of being verbally abusive with calling me a stupid cunt. This type of violent language had a very damaging effect on me and made me violent and insecure for many years. I decided that I was not going to be like my dad and allow this fear to ruin my life. Like I have already mentioned it was these negative experiences that motived me to become successful in my life and to help others to overcome their social anxiety.
What I find really inspiring is the more you face your social anxiety the more gifts you will receive if that makes sense. You start feeling more self-love when you connect to what you love doing which in my case is to teach. This is unconsciously because I was never really able to find the connection at home so my work became my way of connecting with people and myself which I’m incredibly grateful for. My relationship with my family has definitely shifted in a more positive direction although I cannot say it’s percent I tried my best with them. I have come to accept that we are different in how we think and who we are. You cannot force people to change they have to want to change. However you can change yourself which always seems to make things work out which is inspiring huh. This is what I did to overcome my social anxiety and continue to grow I worked on myself and going out and facing my social/life fears. I’m not claiming to have all the answers but so far this has been life changing for me and my students.
The mistake I see a lot of people making that have social anxiety and don’t have a good relationship with there family is blaming the world which is tempting I have also done this as well and it never helps. My coaching is about helping people to help themselves through a practical process of going out and facing her fears head on. This includes talking to beautiful women from a place of honesty. Doing things like public speaking, going to social events, making new friends, overcoming addictions and re-connecting with who you truly are. When you think about it there is so much positive things you can do right now to find healing and live a beautiful life. You have my full support and encouragement as someone who has done it.
On the topic of inspiring stories I want to introduce you to a man called Maury Blair that really inspired me. This man literally went to hell and back and is now living an amazing life. I first heard about him over youtube when I was randomly browsing for new inspiring videos to watch. I was so inspired by his story I actually made a youtube video about him several months ago not expecting anything from it. I was delighted when I saw a friend request over Facebook from this man saying he was also inspired by my teaching. This man also like myself underwent childhood abuse from his step dad and has now gone on to help and inspire people all around the world with his ticking story. This is proof that no matter how bad your have been hurt you can turn your life around for the better. If you have the courage to take the first step with facing your social anxiety whether it is with meeting a beautiful girlfriend, making new friends, starting a new business, or just talking about your childhood pain you will connect to who you truly are. Once you identity who you truly are you can continue to build from this authentic place. One of the things I have learned about becoming more authentic in life is that it takes tremendous courage. However the rewards are limitless which is why I leave you with a powerful message of love and inspiration.
Check out Maury Blairs amazing story here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SBqss0OO_I
Your Friend and coach
Johnny Berba
www.johnnyberba.com